Confessions of a slope widow - (not to be confused with Alaskan Bush Widows---God forbid!)

Okay I'm on a kick. Or a personal mission or wtf ever & not many will understand where I am coming from but Nana always told me that journaling was good for the mind and soul. A healing process??? Not sure putting all that pessimistic "life really isn't so great shit" down on paper is exactly what she meant, but you have to take the good with the bad. I remember a time when as I look back on it was a really really good time for us. When??? The day we got married I guess. When i said "I do" there was nothing in my vows about becoming a slope widow and adapting to that lifestyle mentioned at ALL. Had there been and had I been given the choice (full knowing what it actually would mean of course) I can tell you that I would have run away scared to death for a marriage that according to statistics is completely doomed to begin with. Divorce rates among the normal "job" holding couples is already high enough. Slope life just puts you in an even bigger category for failure. I'm sure when everyone reads this the normal rumors will go around "Natalie has lost her mind again" well let's hope that is really just it and I can find it again cuz lately I'm lost and desperate to understand what it is that gets the strong through this life to where a marriage survives. And when I find that answer....am I sure it is something I can live with? How about the sloper? Can they live with it? Oh that's right let me tell you the perks.....your husband (or wife) is gone more than half the year and home on "vacation" the other half. The problem is that vacation schedule does not always match yours. Why wasn't this an issue back when we started this gig over 5 years ago? Well at that time we were grateful for just a job that brought in the income. No longer having to depend on parental figures to survive financially and keep a roof over our heads was more than enough to convince us. What nobody told us was how hard it would be and how much it would grind away at the bonds of matrimony that we thought had already been put to the ultimate tests of EVERYTHING and WERE CONSIDERED to be UNSHAKEABLE. Think again...your mental state of being sometimes clashes with rationality when you want so bad to hear the other's voice but must not let your mind run wild when they are truly just sleeping or BUSY. Ahh the staying busy part. Everyone wants you to do it and you try. The sloper feels guilty for being away so much but does their best to make the most of it and the slope wife does their best to keep the household running and portray that there really is a husband who makes her extremely happy that she loves and adores, even though many of her friends question his existence. The slopers have THEIR other life. A long ways away from home, one that those of us at home cannot fathom despite the pictures and maps and stories of certain drill sites or popular cited places making National news headlines on the North Slope (also known as the NRP-A.). You are told by the old timers to make the best of it by making that R&R time a second honeymoon every time. Nobody ever said that "other real life issues" would sometimes get in the way. By the way, you can't just visit the slope if you are a "widow" and sometimes the weather can shut the place down completely...don't count on Facetime or Skype to work without issues....it just doesn't happen. On the flip side, I've read these stupid blogs by women who rave about how wonderful the R&R time is (like a second honeymoon---while that may be true--let's be realistic about when your whole R&R is spent dealing with tragedies (funerals for dead relatives---even those you have had to venture alone when the sloper wanted more than anything to be there and we both regret that the sloper just can't be there so we accept it....even if he does get the approval it doesn't mean he can get a flight off the slope in time to even make it) and then there are illnesses contracted by all of us and at any given time--sickness does not plan around R&R) trips get canceled (they are already almost impossible to schedule) but sloper doesn't care what you have planned because they are just glad to be home. And the widows try like hell to be glad for the same but it just goes down in familial history as another life event that the sloper missed. The family at home feels guilty about doing anything fun or taking any trips etc etc because the sloper should be with them. At times I just say screw it "we are gonna take this raft out on the water and we are gonna have fun" and we try. But bottom line is that especially when you have fun without that person, that thought ever so constant in the back of your mind makes it so you can't help but wonder if this sacrifice is really truly worth it. So why has it taken me over five years to finally write about this....cuz I knew if I started that I might not like what I found myself writing. Why can't I be as strong as those women who were my fifth generation strong?? The Nana's, the Bammy's and the Aunt Ione's of our family history. Those women helped breastfeed each other's children during the depression because they had to---so they did and they didn't complain, in fact they loved re-telling that story to those of us who thought it completely disgusting of a concept when we were told. To them it was a blessing. Difference: There was an end in sight. And we weren't talking about one borrowing the other's husband or sloper when they were on R&R and yours was gone. What I've found is that my man is highly successful at his job (evidenced by recent evaluations of almost all perfect 5's) and he can certainly move up the ranks as soon as openings are available. So how could an ungrateful spoiled brat little wife ever complain when it is probably everything her dear hubby longed for in a career?? Welcome to my world and deal with the guilt or suck it up or wtf ever. I hope the hecklers really chime in on what a brat I really am for even complaining. Can't tell you how much I am given the "look" that says this or the response "it's hard on him too you know!". NO SHIT!! Please tell me (and him) something we haven't already heard 100 times. Oh and my personal favorite "All she does is sit around and do whatever she wants and spends all his money". Nobody understands this unless they have lived it. I don't bother my Aunt J with this stuff because first off, I know she knows exactly what I am talking about and understands where I am coming from full well. She could add a great deal to this I'm sure but the woman has done her time and peace be hers now that her sloper has retired. I think of doing this for as many years as she has and it all comes back to me about why I never did like dating military boys. I don't do well alone and this life leaves you alone with thoughts that nobody else can comprehend a lot of the times. I have wonderful friends and supportive family that surround me constantly and keep me busy but I've never felt so alone in my entire life. So if I were to give an ultimatum and say no more will I do this or live this life.....what a selfish ungrateful bitch I would be labeled. Yep I get it and that is 100% correct. So the solution is upping the dose of my anti-depressants that docs told me years ago I would probably be on the rest of my life so I didn't need to add tougher consequences to the mix of my depression. My point is that I signed on for "in sickness and in health" and I think we have both had to Prove that readiness more than once (him more so than I but I think we will catch up with each other periodically as we get older and experience more age-related illnesses) but nobody said anything about being a sloper with a widow and what it would entail or how it would suck the years of our lives away so fast that we can barely keep up anymore. I tried to determine when I stopped sending out christmas cards (when? I'll give you a hint but it was about 5 years ago) why? because I can't handle it to try and digest that another year has passed by at the blink of an eye. Another huge downfall of slope life. As in a serious non-perk of time suckage of years at a time. I don't want people freaking out and thinking the result of this blog or meaning of or whatever is "me giving up" on a matrimonial commitment that is pretty much 98% doomed (according to statistics). Everybody seems to have room to judge everyone else these days but don't do it until you've lived a day in their shoes. Luckily I don't scare that easily but I am here to say that everything within my being of what is right has at some point or another been put to the ultimate test since embarking on this adventure and I have to remember that we can accomplish anything so long as we get on the same planet. I just don't feel I have much time to waste getting to that planet together so I become impatient. In both of our defenses, we are human beings like everyone else and make mistakes like everyone else. Not saying you get a pass to be bad cuz you live the "slope" life but I am saying that listening to each other's needs, including the legitimate fears is huge. Reassurance is even bigger. Luckily, I have the best man there is to endure this with and he tries like hell to understand me and I try like hell to understand him. It's not the life we pictured but it has blessed us with many things that others are not fortunate enough to have (things that would have never been a possibility otherwise both for our kids and ourselves)so we must be thankful for the blessings and try not to the let the negative pessimistic points control our thinking. Some days this is easier said than done that's all I'm trying to say.